“Tales Of The Philandering Woods”

An SUV crashes during the wee morning hours,
It struck a lone hydrant–near some shrubs and some flowers.
The most famous of “Tigers” had been found at the scene,
Windows were smashed–and it was FAR from serene.
The rumors would fly–as to why he fled home,
It became a news story from Orlando to Rome.
There were rumblings ’round town that this Tiger was cheating,
And his wife grew perturbed during a face-to-face meeting.
The stories were sketchy–was he hurt or just dazed?
A few days would pass–many questions were raised.
Some say that Elin had chased after her spouse,
When convinced that this “cheetah” was a philandering louse.
Did his wife smash his window–was she filled with pure rage?
Was it an 8 or a 9-iron–was it used at Bethpage?
It was early December as the affairs came to light,
It surely seemed Tiger was SO BUSY at night!
He scored OFF the course and without using clubs,
Did he meet any conquests at resorts or at pubs?
There were escorts and waitresses and the numbers kept growing,
There were photos of Elin–her devastation was showing.
In the eyes of his wife–could it get any worse?
Did he cheat with a bartender, a teacher, a nurse?
It may be awhile before this Tiger says “Fore!”
Will his lovely wife Elin show Eldrick the door?
My question to Tiger–as I continue this poem,
Is HOW COULD YOU CHEAT–with such a beauty at home?
He lost some endorsements–other sponsors cared less,
They just turned their heads amid this scandalous mess.
The mistress-list grew–could it be twenty or thirty?
A man with THOSE numbers is a tad more than “flirty.”
He admitted to cheating–he’d take a break from the links,
And then entered rehab to see qualified “shrinks.”
He was called a philanderer, a “player”, a fraud,
Those scratches on his face–did this Tiger get clawed?
Last Friday he spoke–it was prepared and contrived,
The mood was quite somber–no one was “high-fived.”
Some fellow rehabbers said that Tiger’s sincere,
Will he play at The Masters? That’s still so unclear.
He said he was sorry–that he disappointed us all,
In front of a crowd that was hand-picked and so small.
His Mom was in front–so was Notah Begay,
The whole world listened; HOW much would he say?
There were no excuses–which would have surely been lame,
He’s a full-vested member in the Golf Hall of Shame.
He thanked all his friends–said he needs some restraint,
As we continued to realize that this Tiger’s no saint.
He said, “Character and decency are really what count,”
But will his stockpile of women continue to mount?
He pleaded for the press to leave his family alone,
As he goes for more treatment in an attempt to atone.
His caddie Steve Williams says he’ll protect the star player,
But with any more scandals, Steve will only get grayer.
Some more questions to come–just WHEN will he play?
Will there be any MORE women who’ll cause Tiger to stray?
I’m sure he’ll return and once again be a force,
But I hope all his ‘scoring’ is done ON the golf course.
I feel for his kids–whose Dad’s a known cheater,
I hope they’ll have role models like Gandhi or Jeter.
In all seriousness, I want Tiger to be healthy,
We already KNOW that he’ll always be wealthy.
His ego is HUGE–may have caused all this mess,
It’s a part of his rehab that I HOPE he’ll address.
To walk a straight path will test his recuperative powers,
Will he kiss Elin’s feet and then send her some flowers?
I hope treatment works, the man’s future’s at stake,
Even if we assume that his apologies are fake.
I hope he returns as a totally-changed man,
I think that’s the hope of most every golf fan.
But as I digress and put this humor aside,
Golf is just not the same without Tiger in stride.

About the Author

Bob Lazzari

Bob Lazzari is an award-winning sports columnist for both Connecticut's Valley Times and NY Sports Day--where his "Sports Roundup" column is featured weekly. He is a member of the Connecticut Sports Writers' Alliance and host of "Monday Night Sports Talk" www.mondaynightsports.net --a cable television show on CTV/Channel14 in Connecticut. A Fordham grad, Bob is a regular contributor to ESPN Radio's "Inside Yankee Baseball"; he can also be heard weekly every Tuesday morning on WXLM/104.7 FM in New London, CT. He has a popular blog www.boblazzari.blogspot.com where many of his past columns have been archived.

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