BRONX, NY – With New Yankee Stadium set to open Friday with a game against the Cubs, the Bombers ran into an unusual problem as the Ghosts of Old Yankee Stadium have refused to make the trip across the street to the new ballpark.
“This is a problem,” said Yankee COO Lonn Trost. “If they don’t leave, the city can’t tear down the old park, which is scheduled for deconstruction next month. And if we don’t have them with us, it may torpedo our season.”
The spirits of Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, and Roger Maris are supposedly holding out for better deal with Ruth wanting cheaper concessions, DiMaggio higher appearance fees and Gehrig and Maris wanting their records reinstated.
Although the ghosts were unavailable for comment, the various spokespeople for each of the spirits released statements.
“The Babe never liked all this gaudy stuff that’s happening at New Yankee Stadium,” said a member of the Ruth family. “He just wants to hang out and have his hot dogs. But at these prices, he can’t afford them.”
“Lou and Roger feel their records were unfairly broken,” spokesman Justin Kidimer said. “[MLB] canceled the season in 1994, which gave Cal Ripken an unfair advantage, while Roger feels all the steroids allegations on Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds should make his 61 homers stand.”
The Yankees acknowledge these concerns, but are disturbed by DiMaggio’s stance. According to longtime spokesman and lawyer Morris Engelberg, the Hall of Fame centerfield wants $100,000 in cash for each Yankee win he influences, with the price going up to $500,000 for World Series victories.
“Joe has done this for free over the years, but now wants to get paid for his efforts,” Engelberg said in a statement. “They spent $1.6 billion on that place and now Joe wants what he feels are his.”
To avoid this embarrassing situation, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner has gotten involved petitioning the commissioner’s office on the records and cutting a deal with Nathan’s for cheap hot dogs. But he is standing strong on DiMaggio’s demands.
“I had to put up with this guy when he was alive,” Steinbrenner said in a statement. “But I refuse to pay him now that he’s dead. If he doesn’t want to be a Yankee, he should go haunt the Mets.”
Happy April Fools Day from the staff at NYSD.