ITEM: The Plainfield (CT) High School football team has scored a grand total of just THIRTEEN points over the course of its first five games this season. Sheesh, this team’s offense sees the end zone about as often as pretty women wink at yours truly…….TRIVIA QUESTION: Who is the last NHL player to lead the league in goals scored for three consecutive years? Answer to follow…….I’m not sure what lovely model/actress Liz Hurley does to retard the aging process, but any GM of a big league team with an aging pitching staff should invest a TON of money to find out what it is…….Call me crazy, but isn’t there something fundamentally bizarre about the fact that Sammy Wanjiru of Kenya can run the Chicago Marathon in a time (2:05.41) that’s about 45 minutes FASTER than the average major league baseball game?…….Lazzari’s “Lopsided Score of the Week”: In a college football game played last weekend, New York Maritime defeated Becker 68-6; Becker fumbled EIGHT times during this massacre while the victorious squad never had to punt. Yeah–when it come to ugliness, this game ranks right up there with those old AMC cars such as the Gremlin, the Pacer, and the Matador…….This week in sports history, October 27, 1984: Washington State running back Rueben Mayes breaks college football’s single-game rushing record–tallying 357 yards during his team’s 50-41 victory over Oregon. Mayes broke the record previously held by Georgia Tech’s Eddie Lee Ivery–who rushed for 356 yards in a game back in 1978. Amazingly, Mayes (who scored three TD’s during the game) rushed for 156 yards in the second quarter ALONE; he would rush for 87 yards in the final quarter–ultimately breaking the record with 1:12 remaining on a four-yard run…….ITEM: Former Kentucky basketball coach Billy Gillispie is busted on a DUI charge after the arresting officer noticed his eyes were red, his speech was slurred, and he had a strong, fruity smell coming from him; Gillispie simply said that he was playing golf all day. Yeah–shame on that officer, Billy; I thought ALL law enforcement people were already aware of how popular Starbust candies and Hawaiian Punch were at most golf courses/country clubs these days…….Can you imagine if actress Lydia Cornell married former BC/Ohio St. basketball star Scoonie Penn, divorced, married Georgia attorney Bill Harvard–divorced again–then married former NFL QB Dave Brown? Fans of the Ivy League would surely delight in her full married name of Lydia Cornell Penn Harvard Brown……….WARNING: The following tidbit may cause intense stomach sickness/intestinal distress; read with caution: Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees came to bat 444 times during the regular season this year and was paid approximately $33 million. Folks, that comes out to more than $74,300 PER AT-BAT. Tums, anyone???…….Answer to trivia question: BRETT HULL of the St. Louis Blues–who led the NHL in goals scored each year from 1989-1992 with totals of 72, 86, and 70 respectively…….ITEM: Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson meet on the “Oprah” Show–almost a dozen years after the infamous ear-biting incident during their heavyweight bout. Call it a coincidence, but I noticed right away that Oprah styled her hair that day in a way where her ears were totally hidden/unexposed–thus fending off any possible auricle-consuming attempt by anyone in attendance…….Happy birthday wishes go out to former major league player Bip Roberts–who blows out 46 candles on October 27th. A versatile infielder/outfielder, Roberts played for six different clubs between 1986 and 1998–the majority of his tenure having been spent as a member of the San Diego Padres. A native of Berkeley, CA, Bip stole 264 bases in his career and batted .294 lifetime; he finished fourth in the NL batting race (.323) in 1992 while with Cincinnati–a year in which he was also named to the NL All-Star squad. Best wishes, Bip…….Finally, condolences go out to the family of former major league pitcher Larry Jansen–who passed away recently in Oregon at the age of 89. Jansen spent nine years in the majors between 1947 and 1956; he pitched for the New York Giants for eight years before ending his career with the Cincinnati Reds. A two-time 20-game winner for the Giants, Jansen is best known for being the winning pitcher in the 1951 playoff game decided by Bobby Thomson’s “Shot Heard ‘Round the World.” His career record was 122-89 and he was a two-time NL All-Star. After his playing days were over, Jansen spent many years as a pitching coach for both the Giants and Cubs. May Larry Jansen rest in peace.