More useless but funny 'net-tainment...

[Mule]

E-mails from an *******

Original ad:
im looking for ride from the philadelphia area to pittsburgh next friday. i will split the cost of gas with you. I am female, and would prefer to ride with another female or young(21-ish) person.
From Mike Anderson to ************@*********.org

Hey! I am going to Pittsburgh and can give you a ride. Can you meet me at 30th St. Station 11 AM on Friday? By the way, I'm 21, so you don't have to worry about riding with some old creeper.
Mike

From Melanie ******** to Me
hey mike! that sounds good. how much do you want for gas? let me get your number so we can work out the details

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Melanie,

I was thinking around $70 should cover it. Unfortunately I do not have a cell phone because I accidentally forgot to take my pants off when I was taking a bath last night and forgot my cell phone was in the pocket. It won't turn on! Could you just stand outside of the west entrance with a sign that says "I'm Melanie" ? I'll look for you.

Mike

From Melanie ******** to Me
wow i wasnt expecting to pay $70! why so much? i was thinking more around 30-35 bucks! also im not standing out there with a sign lol.

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Melanie, I'm sorry but the price is not negotiable. Unfortunately the cheapest bus ticket is $70. Do you want to just meet me on the bus if you don't want to stand out there with a sign?

From Melanie ******** to Me
what?! i didnt want to ride a bus! i thought you were driving a car to pittsburgh. wtf dude

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Well **** Melanie, I didn't think you would be so picky about what kind of vehicle you wanted to ride in. If price is an issue, I can sneak you on the bus. I've done it before with my son. I have a duffel bag that is pretty big, and you can just hide inside it and not move and they will load you under the bus. I'll make sure that they put you on top of all the other luggage so you aren't crushed. You can have my video ipod to stay entertained during the bus ride. It has the first season of Deadwood on it. You aren't fat, are you? I don't want the bag to rip from underneath when they lift it up.

Mike

From Melanie ******** to Me
are you ****ing with me? this has to be a joke. there is no ****ing way im doing that

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Oh, you aren't a Deadwood fan? I think I have the Ben Affleck hit "Gigli" on my iPod if you wanted to watch that instead.

From Melanie ******** to Me
NO! IM NOT SNEAKING ON TO THE ****ING BUS IN A GODDAMN SUITCASE

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Okay, I didn't realize you were so sensitive about your weight. If you can't fit in the duffel bag that's fine. I just went and ordered you the bus ticket. It is pretty much first-come first-serve for seating on the bus. You can sit next to me if you want, but I want the window seat. I also have to get up a lot to pee so you will have to get up so I can squeeze out.

From Melanie ******** to Me
IM NOT RIDING THE BUS! I'LL FIND ANOTHER RIDE

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Well you owe me $70 for the ticket! I can't return it!

From Melanie ******** to Me
I NEVER SAID TO BUY IT! THAT IS YOUR FAULT DUDE GOODBYE

[Onda7]

lol! Is that for real? I mean, the girl?

[Onda7]

oh this site is great! lol, phish tickets. lol ... I am surprised at the amount of folks that would ride anywhere with a stranger.

[KingOlerud]

Yeah this guy's actually pretty funny:


-------------------------------------------
From Katie ******* to Me

yes that is fine! thank you! where do you live? i can meet you somewhere if it is easier for you.

From Mike Anderson to Katie ********

I live in West Philadelphia, born and raised. I can meet you anywhere you want. So far it is me, you, my friend Josh and his friends Steve and Rob. It should be a fun ride!

From Katie ******* to Me

great! how big is your truck? i may have a lot of stuff.

From Mike Anderson to Katie ********

My truck is pretty big. It is a Mazda Miata and it can hold around 3 people. You will probably have to sit on Steve's lap. He's fat though, so it will be somewhat comfortable to sit on. Are you attractive? My only concern is that Steve may get turned on when you are sitting on his lap. If this is an issue, you can sit on Josh's lap because he is gay. The only problem with that is that if you are fat, you may crush him because he is a small dude. But if you are fat you can probably just sit on Steve's lap without him getting aroused.

[Mule]

LMFAO @ the dog killer one:

Original ad:
selling 1997 toyota camry. 146k miles. engine and transmission in good shape. was in minor fender bender, damage shown in pictures

From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org

Hello,

Let me just introduce myself. My name is Mike, and two weeks ago my dog was hit and killed by a car in Manayunk. The driver did not stop. He was hit by a white '97 Toyota Camry. With the side of the bumper bashed in like in your pictures. I thought I would never find the killer, but then I saw the murderers car for sale in Manayunk on **********! YOURS. What, are you trying to get rid of the evidence? You killed my dog of 8 years, and didn't even stop. I had to tell my kids that they would never see him again. Now they just look dead inside, like their soul was taken from them. I can't blame them.

We can't bring Skip back to life, but I want you to come here and apologize to my kids. And buy them a new dog. It is the least you could do.

E-mail me back and we'll set up a time.

- Mike

From derek ******* to Me

what? i didnt hit your ****ing dog. no way im buying you a new dog

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

There's no denying it. I've got you dead to rights. The car that hit my dog is unmistakably yours. I even remember seeing your Outer Banks bumper sticker as I watched the car drive away, leaving Skip in a mangled mess in the middle of the street.

Maybe you were drunk and didn't remember? That doesn't make you any less guilty.

From derek ******* to Me

are you ****ing serious i didnt hit your dog!!! i even called my girlfriend and she had no idea what i was talking about. you are mistaken

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

No I am not. Does your girlfriend have long hair? I didn't get a good look at the killer's face, but I saw long hair from behind as they sped away. I just assumed it was a man because of their huge shoulders.

From derek ******* to Me

yes she has long hair but she didnt hit your dog. where did this happen?

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

You know where it happened. Right here in Manayunk. I think your girlfriend is lying to you. I would like to meet both of you and have a good chat with you two so I can figure out which one of you is lying.

From derek ******* to Me

no this is ridiculous neither of us hit your dog. im sorry it happened but this is not my fault

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

Why would you be sorry if you didn't do it? Seems like you feel guilty about murdering my dog. Just own up to it. Do the right thing. For my kids.

I swear this guy is a MOFOer.

[Green Must Go]

He can't possibly be a Phillies fan. No one that clever and funny could be a Phillies fan.

[krunchyfrogg]

That's some funny stuff.

[Led, the Revenge]

From Timmy Tucker to ***********@**********.org
RE: Swingset Assembly

Hey,

I saw you are looking for someone to assemble your wooden swing set. First off, I must say that a swing set is a horrible toy for a child. I had a swing set as a kid, and broke three of my ribs and tore my ACL on it. My career in little league soccer was ruined. I recommend that you get your child a sandbox. I have an old sandbox that I am not using, and would be willing to sell to you for $300. It is an awesome sandbox. It is shaped like a turtle, and the lid is part of the turtle too. It comes with beautiful sand filled from a beach on Coney Island, NY. Let me know if you are interested.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

i dont want your sandbox. i already bought the swingset for my kid and am sticking with that. its your own damn fault you got hurt on your swingset

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

John,

Actually it is not my fault. The swingset had a faulty design and the swing came off while I was in the air, and I was sent flying into oncoming traffic. I am lucky to be alive. If you do not want your son mangled by a Dodge Caravan, then you should buy my sandbox instead. Sandboxes are 100% safe.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

**** your sandbox. i want my kid to have fun, not to sit in some dirty ass sand from new york. i am not an idiot and will not set up my swingset where my child can be thrown into oncoming traffic.

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

Well it sounds like you won't set up your swingset at all without my help. Are you a quadriplegic? Why are you incapable of putting a swingset together?

If you are a quadriplegic and I have offended you, I am sorry. In that case, would you be interested in my sandbox for your crippled body to relax in? Seeing as you can't use the swingset anyway, it would be way more practical for you.

From John ******** to Me

**** OFF STOP EMAILING ME

Okay, we HAVE to do a mofo version of this.

[Onda7]

Thanks again for posting this. I finally had a chance to read them all! They are all really good. 420 friendly may be my favorite. I love this guy. MORE, please!

[alice]

I love craigslist. Oh - I know - it's **********.org, not craigslist - I forgot. About three times a year I go on craigslist and pretend to be totally obtuse about something - but I've never been that funny. If I was that funny, I would save my work and share it with you.

On a serious note - after listening to my stepson say "If they call ham bacon in Canada, what do they call bacon?" more times than I could tolerate, I asked on craigslist-toronto and got the real answer. They don't call ham bacon - they call bacon bacon and they call canadian bacon "pea meal bacon".

[alice]

Original ad:
i am 17 years old and looking to buy my first car! if you have a good, cheap and reliable car for a student please let me know. thank you!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@*******.org

Hey there!

I saw your ad and have a great car for a young driver such as yourself. I am selling my beautiful 1992 Toyota Camry. This car is almost perfect. 148,342 miles on it. I need to go to Wawa tomorrow, so that mileage might change. I'm estimating it will be somewhere around 148,347 miles. If this is a problem, let me know and I will ride my bike to Wawa.

The car has a few MINOR problems but nothing too bad:

- The ashtray is stuck shut from when I accidentally spilled a beer on it. I think there is like $2 in change in there, so if you can open the ashtray, it's all yours.
- Due to a bad trip in Philly, I no longer have a radio. I run an old boom box through the cigarette lighter, however, and it sounds great. It is a 1986 Sony Cassette player. I'll throw in a Raffi cassette tape for an extra $10. The tape is Raffi in Concert with the Rise & Shine Band, and is an excellent album.
- The glovebox is locked and I lost the key to it, so it won't open. Unfortunately there was a tuna sandwich locked in there, and you can smell it in the car. It isn't that bad if you light some incense. I dropped a few sticks of incense between the seats, you can have them if you find em.
- The hood latch is broken and the hood will occasionally fly up and hit the windshield while driving. The windshield is currently cracked from the last time this happened, but the crack isn't that bad. In fact, it helps air out the stench of the tuna.
- Needs new front and rear brakes. The ones on there don't really stop, but if you give the emergency brake a good tug it should take care of everything.
- There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.
- There is some blood on the passenger seat and all over the side of the door. If you are ever pulled over and the police ask about it, just tell them the previous owner hit a deer. Don't say who I am though.
- I bought the car from someone who replaced the original horn with a freight train horn. It is really loud and I don't recommend using it, I have caused several accidents with it.

Besides these problems, this is a great starter car for any young driver! I actually call it the "ladies mobile" because the chicks dig it.

I am asking $6000 for it, but am willing to negotiate.

Thanks,

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

hey thanks for the offer! $6000 sounds like a little much for that car. my dad only gave me a $4000 budget, would you be willing to take that?

From Mike Anderson to joey ********
Son, you obviously have no experience in buying vehicles. When I said I was willing to negotiate, I meant I was willing to take more money for the car if you wanted to give it to me. Minimum is $6,000. Talk to your dad, and he will tell you that this car is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. He'll be pissed if he saw that you passed this up.

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

What the hell is wrong with you? That car is a piece of ****! Stop e-mailing my son, you moron.

I can't believe the kid was going to give $4000!

The father will probably be over his shoulder every second the kid is on line for the rest of his time living at home.

[KingOlerud]

Originally Posted by alice

I can't believe the kid was going to give $4000!

The father will probably be over his shoulder every second the kid is on line for the rest of his time living at home.

Or the dad wrote the response about $4000 to see what the guy would say back. You would obviously fall for one of these things in a f*cking heartbeat.

[alice]

Originally Posted by KingOlerud

Or the dad wrote the response about $4000 to see what the guy would say back. You would obviously fall for one of these things in a f*cking heartbeat.

lol



but still - very funny

[Onda7]

bump! There are some good new ones on here. I like his new former military guy persona

[NYRomy]

Things I Did Last Night